Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage?

Great way to relate the two concepts!

Please tell me you’ve seen “I Think I Love My Wife” w/ Chris Rock… great movie about the adventures of marriage and he even states: “women want a wedding, not a marriage”.

It’s a sad reality that the impulsive nature of our society affects more than just the decision to buy the cool new pack of gum at the checkout line, but marriage is like fast food: get in, get fed, get out. In business, most are so impulsive that they don’t realize what they are getting into until they’re bankrupt.

We’re products of our environment(and the influences of the media, peers, etc) and the difference b/w those who succeed and those who fail are the ones who think for themselves and don’t just do what they’re told or what they feel is “the right thing”.

Amen, tabloids dedicate weeks, sometimes months of coverage to upcoming Hollywood weddings. The break up 6 months later makes news for 1 day, and then onto the next big story.

My theory is that most people skip the “Relationship hits roadblocks and crisis points” part (either that or they quit at that point) and that is why many marriages fail.

I didn’t truly know it was going to last with the now hubby until we hit a very black moment (as they call them in romance novels). Seeing how he dealt and I dealt and we dealt together assured me we could get through anything.

Love is truly love after it has been tested.

Once again, another GREAT read MJ. You hit the nail on the head when you say people want a wedding, not a marriage. Too many of my friends have been “tying the knot” lately, and it’s hard for me to get excited about it because I question some of their intentions.

For you to relate marriage and weddings to business is just brilliant! Very interesting, I can’t wait for the book.

ee cummings, said it best, “Be of love, little more careful than anything.”

My book on relationships, Get Smart! About Modern Romantic Relationships teaches that slow and steady win the race. Everything in life is relationship, including your business, so it is just smart to be a conscious decision maker.

People tend to fall in and out of situations without a lot of conscious choice and then wonder why things never work out.

We also have “personal operating systems” about love, career, money, health that are formed from our programming, including the media …..again, do not “fall” for what the mainstream seems to do, they are not that happy and successful. Decide for yourself who you are and what works for you.

So you two lovebirds just keep doing what works for you! Much love and success, Michelle

Thanks for the kind comments … I think people who have been married decades are the heroes of the modern world. Whenever I see an old couple and hear they’ve been married 20,30,40 years, I can’t help but to be awestruck, much like a young person is when they see a celebrity. Whenever I get the chance, I always love to ask “What is your secret!??”

My parents have been married for 24 years; I guess I get to call them an old couple now?! :)

Anywho, great article, MJ. Can’t wait for the book. Stay well, sir!

Oh, jeepers, I’ve been with the hubby for 15 (married for 10).
Are we approaching old couple status?

I’d call you a success in that department — that means, I’m listening to you!!

Found you through Twitter. Great article. I will be passing it on.

BTW, I’ve been married about as long as you’ve been alive. So, I’m DEFINITELY half of an Older Couple.

I capitalize because the title is an honor.

Best wishes to all in finding someone who will work through the tough times with you.

For me what worked in having a long term marriage (23 years and counting) was deciding long before I met my husband that I was only going to walk down the aisle once. Therefore I didn’t sell myself cheaply beforehand, and when I met my future husband I observed his work habits, treatment of other people and fulfillment of little obligations closely. His behaviors in those arenas told me that he would not walk out on his family. We have been through the roughest of times and it is still not easy. But that initial commitment to follow through with a stable home for my family remains, and I carry no regrets. There is true happiness in working to live a life of integrity.

I enjoyed your article. I was married once when I was young. I was a traditional ‘first wife’… some now call it ‘starter wife.’ .. but my marriage lasted 8 years, so I’ll stick to ‘first wife.’ I supported my ex through two grad programs and a stint in seminary. The day we agreed I could get pregnant, he left.

Just as has been suggested, he had some tall ideas about what he was supposed to get in a marriage. He insisted I was supposed to know what he wanted without him asking, sometimes getting violent when I did not. He also felt that he deserved a woman who, “drew every eye when she entered the room and whose walk was like a song.” Hollywood quality beauty. And I’m not bad looking, in case you were wondering.

When he saw his first paycheck coming he decided to upgrade. He told me I was lucky to have had the privilege of supporting a ‘great man.’ That as a ‘great man’ he deserved a ‘truly beautiful woman.”

I probably could have married again if I was willing to pay another guy’s bills, but I wasn’t.

I don’t know where the writers of most romances get their ideas. They have no relevance to any real relationship I have ever experienced.

BTW, Guy flicks are no better than Rom Coms. They show women hopping into bed with guys because the guy can beat up somebody or shoot a gun. Yeah, really.

Thanks ladies for stopping by and sharing your experiences. Barbara, I think writers write what sells. That Rom-Com crap sells. Young women salivate at Happily-Ever-After stories because they perpetuate the illusion that no effort is required to succeed. Like winning the lottery … no effort yields millions! Just not realistic and it doesn’t help the divorce rate.

Why are you blaming movies? We as people should blame ourselves. We have control over what we do in our lives. Yes, subconsciously our minds pick up things from Rom-Coms and other movies. What about action movies….do they create more violence, or what about comedies in general, do they create people who appear to be incompetent. If you let the movies run your life or relationships than it is your own damn fault. Hollywood is just another excuse for people’s poor judgments and for their own stupid failures in everyday life.
Basically people are to blame for the cause of marriage problems or everyday problems.
The people who make Rom-Coms or sappy love stories are making them for the enjoyment of viewing.
If you rather blame TV, Movies, and other fantasies, then why not pull the plug on it all. Reset time, join Pleasantville, and become boring. Shut down Disneyland, crush people’s dreams, that is all the article really points to.
Why not let people dream of their Happy-Ever-After.
Apparently some people are still Naïve about life, love and relationships. Not to mention the fact that some people apparently can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy.
Not to mention who gives a damn about Hollywood couples…I sure as hell don’t. Come on, if you watch that stuff then yes I can see where people get the wrong idea, but then again it is that person’s on fault and it isn’t Hollywood to blame, it is the PEOPLE to blame!!

I did however enjoy reading the article.

Angel: Amen … if you are saying “take responsibility for your choices” I agree 1000%! The first step however, is to recognize the potential trap and I think Hollywood sets us up for that. Our choices = our lives.

Not only Hollywood – but children’s stories as well… we get our young thinking about the “happily ever after” from a very young age – Cinderella,etc. (Something for all you parents to think about!)

We just had or 13th anniversary. Can I be that old? I like what Kimber said. “Love isn’t real love until it has been tested.

Yeah, the whole thing is like a prescription. I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years now, and we don’t see any reason to tie the knot yet.

And seriously, in our society we are set to believe that we have to be attracted to the specific type with the specific look. I spent my teenage years trying to focus on the pretty boys, because I couldn’t admit to myself that I found the overweight ones with brains more attractive. It’s like some invisible force inside me was telling me I wasn’t allowed. Do we believe that if we don’t “set up” for the fabled “happily ever after” we won’t get it?

And looks are shallow, but we have been drilled so strongly into thinking they’re important by every movie and every ad. I’m not sure if any of you have seen the Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The whole point was that looks don’t matter, right? Wrong! Because if you look at the merchandise that came out after the movie, all you seem to see is Esmerelda aka the prettiest character in the show. The media’s version of reality is so warped.

good read! i once heard, “how do you spell marriage? W-O-R-K!” all marriages require work to make them work and hollywood dont tell you that!

Hi MJ.. I am so inspired by your personal story. I’ve been spending the past few hours just reading and reading and reading the articles on your website.

I think no one here has said this but, your “wife” is BEAUTIFUL! and yes, I’m a girl, and a happy wife to my happy husband :)

Just wondering, do you think your “wife” is one of the reason you are successful now? Was she supportive while you were struggling?

Hubby and I are still struggling but our situation has improved much from before we married. Both of us have changed. I have gained self confidence from his emotional supports, while I have helped him to change his habits of emptying his wallet the minute it is filled. He has also stopped going out of his way to help people and then get trampled on and cheated. Basically his attitude towards money has changed. So we have this “empowering” relationship so to speak.

He admits that if not because of me, i.e. if someone else is his wife, he might probably not be a better person today (same credit from me to him:))

I have to say it is not easy to find someone who truly empowers you. I mean, you can’t even find that with your own family (at least in my case, none of them are supporting. And they can be mean too).

It’s easy to find someone with looks, maybe, but not someone who understands you, grow with you, respect you, stand by you, etc etc.

SO I have to say, when you have got someone who empowers AND has looks- you’ve got a KEEPER. (Yes, I’m talking about your “wife” here).

I know it may not be important to her, and she may not have say it to you. But trust me, she would be very very TOUCHED if you DO propose her. I’m not surprised if she even cries.

When are you proposing???!

ps: my jaw actually dropped when I saw your “wife”. What a gorgeous brunette!

pps: Theres two books that really inspire me. “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” by Harv Eker and “The Sciece of Getting Rich” by Wallace. Have you read them? If you did, what do you think of their message?

Couples Counseling…

Jon and Kate Gosselin officially divorced Friday after 10 years of marriage, eight children and a year of tabloid headlines. Kate Gosselin gets the family home in eastern Pennsylvania in the no- fault divorce agreement, according to her lawyer, Mark Mo…

I have been married for 30 years and I completely agree with your premise that societal influences are changing everyones expectations of marriage.The secret is make a sensible choice of a person who will make a great parent for your children and then just choose to stay married and remember no one is perfect.Stop expecting to “feel” romance and realize marriage is a practical institution for adults to raise children and take care of one another through difficulties.Rather than looking at one anothers differences as flaws look at them as compliments to each others strenght and weaknesses.

Hmmmm… sounds like a wedding is an event and a marriage is a process- where have I heard that before? Great stuff MJ, thanks for putting that out there.

Funny I should read this now. A while ago I had an inner-conflict about how I should live vs. how others thought I should live. Others meaning my parents, family, friends and everyone else. I found that everyone had an opinion on what I should be/do/set time aside for/base my life on, etc.

Eventually I said f**k it and started to do what I felt was best. When considering a decision, I drilled down deep and looked at the real cause/bias I had towards making or not making a decision. Most of the time, it was because of an outside influence. I was so concerned about what others thought I sacrificed my own happiness to be approved of by those around me.

Once I came to this realization, it hit me how much freedom and happiness I could derive from just embracing who I was. Basing decisions on what I felt was important and letting go of bondage associated with opinions and belief systems of people who don’t really know me.

We’ve heard our whole lives about “not caring what others think” or “just being yourself” but it takes time and experience and a lot of inner-searching to get to the point where you truly grasp the very essence of what that really means.

Since then I’ve made a lot of different decisions that has changed my life around.

Maybe the biggest problem is that we can´t accept a less-than-perfect relationship and make the best of it? Maybe we should learn to see relationships from a sober viewpoint? Why is it that we want hunks as boyfriends or women who are sexually predatory in bed? Or why is it that we chase richer partners when it may have been better for us to choose the gardener or that broke guy/woman in the shack next door?

Isn´t true that a sharp businessman/investor is someone who can take crap and make it smell like roses? So if that is true, wouldn´t it then also be true that you could take a crappy and sub-standard relationship and make it smell like roses too? I think it is the same thing. It´s a matter of skill. Skill of meeting needs just as business/investments is about your ability to meet needs skillfully.

MJ talks a lot about process versus event in his book. Good relationships has nothing to do with perfect timing or beautful days, every day of the year. It has everything to do with skillfylly handle all of the bad days (and there will be many of them even in a very good relationship). There will be days when your partner is sick and looks like hell and smells like it too. There will be days when she/he doesn´t gongratulate you on your birthday or remember that you where even home. There will be days when you are our partying and she/he is accidentaly screwing your friend and somehow that has to be dealt with. Relationships is a lot about process. Everyone in a relationship could and should honestly attest to that, because we all know it is true stuff.

So has Hollywood fucked all of us up? You can count on it. What is seen in movies is absolutly not how it really goes down in the “real” movie. I wish. Wouldn´t life be SO much easier if it was like in the romantical movies?

Hi MJ,

This is my first visit to this site.I love your book. Don’t have the fastlane richness yet; but I do have the fastlane to the perfect marriage. 14 years of happiness, not one fight or blip and never one day of work.

Anybody who says marriage is hard work, discipline and compromise is driving in the slowlane of a relationship. This is the way the Guru’s tell you how it should work :-)

to use your own analogy in regard to marriage i would say:

Question Normal.
Deny Mediocrity.
Live the happy marriage forever right from the start

If you would like to interview me for your next book “The relationship fastlane” let me know :-)

Don’t think I can write any book about marriage anytime soon since I’m not married, nor even close. Thanks for stopping by!

Keep in mind that all those stories where the couple lives “happily ever after” were written at a time when the average life expectancy was 35!

And now the ultimate power couple have separated: the Governator and Maria Shriver after 25 years. Does that change anything? Or confirm what MJ was saying?

[...] an early death follows. Here's an article I wrote a few years back regarding marriage… Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage? The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime "The best [...]