Has Hollywood Poisoned Your Chances of a Successful Marriage?
Aug 19, 2010, 12:21 pm 
Sleepless in Seattle = Cyanide.
I’m unmarried and I’m in my late 30′s. Not divorced or separated — unmarried. Nowadays, being in your late 30′s and unmarried carries with it a raised-eyebrow of suspicion. Hmmmm …. there’s gotta be something wrong with me. I’m a pain in the ass. I have “issues”.
I wonder, why is that the perception?
I look at my peers and the alternative of normalcy isn’t so appealing. I have friends who are on their 3rd marriage. Other’s have resigned their marriage to failure while still living it – or should I say — enduring it. “Divorced twice” is now the established standard of normal, while being single and unmarried, is not.
How does it get this way?
I blame Hollywood. It has poisoned the institution of marriage and its sweeping effects into culture are readily apparent. Reality TV, MTV, movies, you name it – the poison is being administered to our young people in alarming quantities.
In Hollywood, marriage is an event — an extravaganza to be celebrated — a lavish party to showcase the deepest entries of your address book … an affair to be written about in TMZ with the “who’s who” making the guest list. It has become an event that declares you and your partner have arrived.
Additionally, this poison seeps into our society and brainwashes our impressionable youth through the movies — a subconscious idealized machine that drowns our culture into a warped sense of perception regarding marriage. Books and movies litter the landscape whereas the final destination, is the jubilant wedding ceremony pronouncing to the world “Look at us! ‘Happily-ever-after’ is here!”
The movies, or as my girlfriend calls ‘em, the “chick-flicks” will give you the sanitized version of marriage … the glory, the event, the happiness. Swept under the rug is the struggle, the compromise, and the hard work marriage requires of its participants. Of course, you don’t see this — what you do see, are the credits rolling … your mind fills in the blanks and immediately resigns itself to “Happily Ever After”. That notion comes with little effort and I fear it does a disservice to the marriage movement.
The Hollywood Movie Marriage Formula
It Is Alive And Well – Recognize the Poison:Boy meets girl
Girl plays hard to get
Boy and girl struggle to consummate the relationship
Relationship starts
Relationship grows
Relationship hits roadblocks and crisis points
Relationship temporarily parts
Relationship reaches point of reckoning
Relationship is rebirthed
Relationship ends in wedding ceremony, dancing, etc.
[Enter Fade Out with Implied "Happily Ever After"]
Roll credits.
Notice the last step in the formula. Roll credits. Prior to this step is a big marriage ceremony — you know how it ends: Everyone is jumping around dancing in jubilance with a feel-good song playing in the background. Bride and groom kiss. Fade out. Story ends. The credits roll. Happily ever after.
This road to marriage stylizes marriage as a final destination — a point of “happily ever after” when in fact, it is a road of beginning.
Hollywood Administering the Marriage Poison
A Small Sampling of MoviesPretty Woman
Runaway Bride
While You Were Sleeping
Sleepless in Seattle
When Harry Met Sally
27 Dresses
Pride and Prejudice
The Wedding Planner
If you think a marriage ceremony represents a moment of “happily ever after” you are likened to find it the antithesis … “happily never after”.
A wedding is an event — a marriage is a lifelong commitment. One asks you to be an adult in your choices — the other, a child.
So when you meet the guy/gal of your dreams and are rushing to the alter, ask yourself, do you want a wedding? Or a marriage? One is short-sighted and requires little commitment. The other is not quite so easy — it requires a vision further than 18 months into the future.
Now, what does this all have to do with the Fastlane, wealth, and why the heck is this diatribe sitting on a site dedicated to financial independence?
You will find the two disciplines identical in construct and application.
First, financial success takes discipline much like good marriages do. Anyone can throw a successful wedding ceremony — not everyone can have a successful marriage. The two dichotomies offer competing visions and I offer this comparison – one is short sighted, the other is long sighted. Perhaps this is why I am still unmarried — I know marriage is commitment that requires unrivaled competition.
Financial success is much the same … those focused on the wedding are focused on the short-term — they are focused on themselves versus their partner — they are focused on making the next quick buck — they are focused on“how do I make money” — yes, these people are focused on the wedding — they are likened to lack vision — often focused on making money now, focused on short term profits at the expense of long term growth — preoccupied with the good feelings of now and instant gratification.
Those focused on the marriage reflect on themselves and their marriage as a living entity that needs to be improved and built upon. They understand sacrifice. They are constantly growing, improving, and learning. They are outward focused — focused on the needs of their partner (Translation: Needs of their customers). They understand compromise and hard work. They understand the need to acknowledge indifferences and when being wrong, is right, and being right, is wrong.
Second, bad relationships are the foremost roadblock to Fastlane success. Divorce is expensive – time and money are two assets that divorce will consume. Relationships that drain vs. empower have far reaching consequences on our ability to execute on our goals and dreams.
FASTLANE DISTINCTION
Bad relationships drain. Good relationships empower.
So on your Fastlane journey, I implore you to identify your mindset — are you looking for a wedding? Or a marriage? Likewise, are you looking to build a business based on a long-term vision, fully understanding that your needs might need to take a backseat? Or, are you just looking for the next business opportunity of the month? A Fastlane mindset requires a long term vision — that extends not just to business, but to life and the relationships we choose to engage.
Good luck,
MJ
Great way to relate the two concepts!
Please tell me you’ve seen “I Think I Love My Wife” w/ Chris Rock… great movie about the adventures of marriage and he even states: “women want a wedding, not a marriage”.
It’s a sad reality that the impulsive nature of our society affects more than just the decision to buy the cool new pack of gum at the checkout line, but marriage is like fast food: get in, get fed, get out. In business, most are so impulsive that they don’t realize what they are getting into until they’re bankrupt.
We’re products of our environment(and the influences of the media, peers, etc) and the difference b/w those who succeed and those who fail are the ones who think for themselves and don’t just do what they’re told or what they feel is “the right thing”.
Amen, tabloids dedicate weeks, sometimes months of coverage to upcoming Hollywood weddings. The break up 6 months later makes news for 1 day, and then onto the next big story.
My theory is that most people skip the “Relationship hits roadblocks and crisis points” part (either that or they quit at that point) and that is why many marriages fail.
I didn’t truly know it was going to last with the now hubby until we hit a very black moment (as they call them in romance novels). Seeing how he dealt and I dealt and we dealt together assured me we could get through anything.
Love is truly love after it has been tested.
Once again, another GREAT read MJ. You hit the nail on the head when you say people want a wedding, not a marriage. Too many of my friends have been “tying the knot” lately, and it’s hard for me to get excited about it because I question some of their intentions.
For you to relate marriage and weddings to business is just brilliant! Very interesting, I can’t wait for the book.
ee cummings, said it best, “Be of love, little more careful than anything.”
My book on relationships, Get Smart! About Modern Romantic Relationships teaches that slow and steady win the race. Everything in life is relationship, including your business, so it is just smart to be a conscious decision maker.
People tend to fall in and out of situations without a lot of conscious choice and then wonder why things never work out.
We also have “personal operating systems” about love, career, money, health that are formed from our programming, including the media …..again, do not “fall” for what the mainstream seems to do, they are not that happy and successful. Decide for yourself who you are and what works for you.
So you two lovebirds just keep doing what works for you! Much love and success, Michelle
Thanks for the kind comments … I think people who have been married decades are the heroes of the modern world. Whenever I see an old couple and hear they’ve been married 20,30,40 years, I can’t help but to be awestruck, much like a young person is when they see a celebrity. Whenever I get the chance, I always love to ask “What is your secret!??”
My parents have been married for 24 years; I guess I get to call them an old couple now?!
Anywho, great article, MJ. Can’t wait for the book. Stay well, sir!
Oh, jeepers, I’ve been with the hubby for 15 (married for 10).
Are we approaching old couple status?
I’d call you a success in that department — that means, I’m listening to you!!
Found you through Twitter. Great article. I will be passing it on.
BTW, I’ve been married about as long as you’ve been alive. So, I’m DEFINITELY half of an Older Couple.
I capitalize because the title is an honor.
Best wishes to all in finding someone who will work through the tough times with you.
For me what worked in having a long term marriage (23 years and counting) was deciding long before I met my husband that I was only going to walk down the aisle once. Therefore I didn’t sell myself cheaply beforehand, and when I met my future husband I observed his work habits, treatment of other people and fulfillment of little obligations closely. His behaviors in those arenas told me that he would not walk out on his family. We have been through the roughest of times and it is still not easy. But that initial commitment to follow through with a stable home for my family remains, and I carry no regrets. There is true happiness in working to live a life of integrity.
I enjoyed your article. I was married once when I was young. I was a traditional ‘first wife’… some now call it ‘starter wife.’ .. but my marriage lasted 8 years, so I’ll stick to ‘first wife.’ I supported my ex through two grad programs and a stint in seminary. The day we agreed I could get pregnant, he left.
Just as has been suggested, he had some tall ideas about what he was supposed to get in a marriage. He insisted I was supposed to know what he wanted without him asking, sometimes getting violent when I did not. He also felt that he deserved a woman who, “drew every eye when she entered the room and whose walk was like a song.” Hollywood quality beauty. And I’m not bad looking, in case you were wondering.
When he saw his first paycheck coming he decided to upgrade. He told me I was lucky to have had the privilege of supporting a ‘great man.’ That as a ‘great man’ he deserved a ‘truly beautiful woman.”
I probably could have married again if I was willing to pay another guy’s bills, but I wasn’t.
I don’t know where the writers of most romances get their ideas. They have no relevance to any real relationship I have ever experienced.
BTW, Guy flicks are no better than Rom Coms. They show women hopping into bed with guys because the guy can beat up somebody or shoot a gun. Yeah, really.
Thanks ladies for stopping by and sharing your experiences. Barbara, I think writers write what sells. That Rom-Com crap sells. Young women salivate at Happily-Ever-After stories because they perpetuate the illusion that no effort is required to succeed. Like winning the lottery … no effort yields millions! Just not realistic and it doesn’t help the divorce rate.
Why are you blaming movies? We as people should blame ourselves. We have control over what we do in our lives. Yes, subconsciously our minds pick up things from Rom-Coms and other movies. What about action movies….do they create more violence, or what about comedies in general, do they create people who appear to be incompetent. If you let the movies run your life or relationships than it is your own damn fault. Hollywood is just another excuse for people’s poor judgments and for their own stupid failures in everyday life.
Basically people are to blame for the cause of marriage problems or everyday problems.
The people who make Rom-Coms or sappy love stories are making them for the enjoyment of viewing.
If you rather blame TV, Movies, and other fantasies, then why not pull the plug on it all. Reset time, join Pleasantville, and become boring. Shut down Disneyland, crush people’s dreams, that is all the article really points to.
Why not let people dream of their Happy-Ever-After.
Apparently some people are still Naïve about life, love and relationships. Not to mention the fact that some people apparently can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy.
Not to mention who gives a damn about Hollywood couples…I sure as hell don’t. Come on, if you watch that stuff then yes I can see where people get the wrong idea, but then again it is that person’s on fault and it isn’t Hollywood to blame, it is the PEOPLE to blame!!
I did however enjoy reading the article.
Angel: Amen … if you are saying “take responsibility for your choices” I agree 1000%! The first step however, is to recognize the potential trap and I think Hollywood sets us up for that. Our choices = our lives.
Not only Hollywood – but children’s stories as well… we get our young thinking about the “happily ever after” from a very young age – Cinderella,etc. (Something for all you parents to think about!)
We just had or 13th anniversary. Can I be that old? I like what Kimber said. “Love isn’t real love until it has been tested.
Yeah, the whole thing is like a prescription. I’ve been with my boyfriend 4 years now, and we don’t see any reason to tie the knot yet.
And seriously, in our society we are set to believe that we have to be attracted to the specific type with the specific look. I spent my teenage years trying to focus on the pretty boys, because I couldn’t admit to myself that I found the overweight ones with brains more attractive. It’s like some invisible force inside me was telling me I wasn’t allowed. Do we believe that if we don’t “set up” for the fabled “happily ever after” we won’t get it?
And looks are shallow, but we have been drilled so strongly into thinking they’re important by every movie and every ad. I’m not sure if any of you have seen the Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The whole point was that looks don’t matter, right? Wrong! Because if you look at the merchandise that came out after the movie, all you seem to see is Esmerelda aka the prettiest character in the show. The media’s version of reality is so warped.
good read! i once heard, “how do you spell marriage? W-O-R-K!” all marriages require work to make them work and hollywood dont tell you that!
Hi MJ.. I am so inspired by your personal story. I’ve been spending the past few hours just reading and reading and reading the articles on your website.
I think no one here has said this but, your “wife” is BEAUTIFUL! and yes, I’m a girl, and a happy wife to my happy husband
Just wondering, do you think your “wife” is one of the reason you are successful now? Was she supportive while you were struggling?
Hubby and I are still struggling but our situation has improved much from before we married. Both of us have changed. I have gained self confidence from his emotional supports, while I have helped him to change his habits of emptying his wallet the minute it is filled. He has also stopped going out of his way to help people and then get trampled on and cheated. Basically his attitude towards money has changed. So we have this “empowering” relationship so to speak.
He admits that if not because of me, i.e. if someone else is his wife, he might probably not be a better person today (same credit from me to him:))
I have to say it is not easy to find someone who truly empowers you. I mean, you can’t even find that with your own family (at least in my case, none of them are supporting. And they can be mean too).
It’s easy to find someone with looks, maybe, but not someone who understands you, grow with you, respect you, stand by you, etc etc.
SO I have to say, when you have got someone who empowers AND has looks- you’ve got a KEEPER. (Yes, I’m talking about your “wife” here).
I know it may not be important to her, and she may not have say it to you. But trust me, she would be very very TOUCHED if you DO propose her. I’m not surprised if she even cries.
When are you proposing???!
ps: my jaw actually dropped when I saw your “wife”. What a gorgeous brunette!
pps: Theres two books that really inspire me. “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” by Harv Eker and “The Sciece of Getting Rich” by Wallace. Have you read them? If you did, what do you think of their message?